My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
