when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
