She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Randomize
