True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
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