Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Randomize