speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
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