I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
