I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
