My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Randomize