im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I think people are normalizing furries
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
