bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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