This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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