so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I met the friendliest cop last night
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize