mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
