so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Randomize
