I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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