I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
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