what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
