he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Randomize
