apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
