It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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