My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Just invented taco cereal.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
