So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
