I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
