I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
