I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
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