Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
