The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Randomize
