...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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