I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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