Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
