I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
