When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
