my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
