doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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