Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
