Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Randomize
