You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
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