So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
