Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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