Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
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