Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
