Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
