You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Randomize
