fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Boobs are out for the taking
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
