Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
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