All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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