I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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