Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
