did you get engaged???
No stitches, just platelets and will power
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize