dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
