The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
