On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
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