I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
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