I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
