I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize