My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Randomize
